but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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