Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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