If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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