and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
