I am in a vortex of obligation.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
