loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize