I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
