just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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