I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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