If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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