I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
