non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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