Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
