I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Randomize
