And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
