Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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