oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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