I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
