I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
