dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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