It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
