I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
