Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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