why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
