Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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