The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
