How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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