No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
