??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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