All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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