I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
