i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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