70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
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