I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
