nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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