I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
