I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
