the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
