I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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