I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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