That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
