i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Apparently you make a good broom.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
