saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
