worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
