I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
