and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
