"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize