He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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