dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
