I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
