I was born with a shot glass in my hand
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
