oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
