i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
