I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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