you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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