it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You are the jesus of drinking
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize