i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
