Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Randomize
