Where did you get a picture of my penis
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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