I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
