Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
