There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
