Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
