So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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