I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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