those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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