so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
