it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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