do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
