He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
