Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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